I Am Not a Trophy Wife

love-art-heart-mediumI am more than a shiny and polished object to marvel over. 

When I tell people that I don’t wear much makeup because I don’t want to stand out or that I like to dress down because I don’t want to bring attention to myself, looks of exasperation are sent my way as if I’m full of myself, or the opposite, I’m not full enough. “What, but you’re pretty, you don’t have to worry about anything”. Being pretty is why I have to worry. I ask myself over and over, am I being conceited or self centered because I think my looks are too appealing to men? Is it just me?

I’ve been sensitive to male energy or attention since I was molested at an early age. I wrote  on some of the ways it has impacted my life in the post, Promiscuity, Misunderstood. I noticed grown men with eyes lightened and speech exaggerated to comment on how beautiful I was. It has been so uncomfortable for me over the years. At times it has also been confusing.

I recently reevaluated a friendship due to the boundaries of being platonic and being pursued. My understanding was that our relationship was platonic, a pure genuine friendship. Until the compliments kept rolling in, comments on body parts, and finally my last straw, a suggestion to dress in a way that was only comfortable for me in special occasions. Here we go again! A man that cannot focus on what there is behind those pretty eyes and that smokin’ body.pexels-photo-25015-medium

Some men, NOT ALL, don’t realize how their attention and energy effects a woman. The unwelcomed attention creates guidelines developed by a man’s point of view and ego. A man focusing on our appearance signals to us that if we want male attention we should capture their senses: look amazing, smell good, feel good, and maybe sometimes taste good. Should I stop and say “Please stop looking at me like that…you’ve already said I was beautiful, thanks…I know that, but let’s talk about the stars.” Some women, NOT ALL, would love the attention. Personally, I get frustrated because it can portray a person as focusing on surface issues. Maybe I’m too deep.

For women, self esteem and self love is a huge contributor to the comfortability of receiving compliments. Simply put, a woman with an empty pot will love for it to be filled, so when a man with perceived love and admiration comes along offering to fill the pot, the woman is in awe. When that pot is full, or whole already, the woman can look at the love and admiration, appreciate it and have the choice to pass on it. “I give that to myself already, now what new things can I learn from you?”

Compliments are cool, in moderation. Women like to be told they’re beautiful but it can get bothersome when that is ALL we hear. When a man focus’ on outwardly aspects of a woman, it takes away her power to express herself openly and freely. Evaluating myself in accordance to someone else is not being true to my the soul. Its an added stressor to my life and relationships.

Beauty does attract. But beauty doesn’t stick unless it is from within. I can be beautiful with my words, my expressions, my emotions, my interests, my weirdness. Both men and women can benefit from a reevaluation of what makes a person unique and appealing. It involves NOTHING physical.

Appearance is the tip of the iceberg. Dive deeper to find the significance.


Photo Credit: Iceberg By Uwe Kils Via Wikimedia Commons


Trophies are superficial anyway.


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